You know that feeling? When you're a little kid, and you're so insanely excited to get a puppy for the first time. And when you do, it's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, and you name it, sleep with it, pet it, wash it, play with it, get muddy with it. And you've lived the best week with your new puppy! And it's so great, that you're excited for the next years to come!
And then it gets hit by a car. Blood everywhere. Guts hanging from it's poor little pot-belly. An eyeball is missing.
That's Yogi Bear ... Minus the fucking hype and excitement that started. Puppy killing. Like clubbing a defenseless human in a cushy seat, about to watch a movie. A movie about puppies dying. ... Raze. You OWE me.
Ahem -- where was I?
To Warner Bros: Way to fucking assassinate your careers.
To all people who stared in this: Way to fucking assassinate your careers.
To the two voice overs: Die in a fire.
This movie was the epitome of retardation. An autistic child or a child with Downs would not have found this movie funny or entertaining, but demanding as I did for the last eighty-eight minutes of my life back, for torture. This movie is unconstitutional. I would rather be water-boarded than to watch this again. Ever.
/sigh ... Review, right.
Title: Yogi Bear
Year: 2010
Rating: WTF [G] -- I personally feel it should be rated R, for child torture.
Synopsis: Lemme see if I can pull something that resembles a storyline to the forefront. Some fuckstick mayor, and no -- he's probably a serious douche bag in real life too, but in the movie, he's even more of a pencil dick -- wants to level Jellystone Park and get rich off of a logging plan. Sounds like a great fucking movie to me, so far.
However, the dumbass Ranger, who's not even worth mentioning as an actor because he's been in ... this and Gulliver's Travels? Lol. I digress, tries to sabotage the 100 year anniversary of the park, yadda yadda - Yogi and Ranger Smith save the day. Fucking ... stupid.
Best Phrase(s):
1. "Booboo cam."
2. "Rachael, you and the park have one thing in common -- you could both use a better man than me." LOL
3. "Without you, I'm like a Genus without a Filum."
Favorite Actor: Gerard Butler...ohwait, he's not IN this film ... then no one.
Music Quality: Poor.
Language: Poor scripting.
Pros: When the movie ended.
... LOL. Did you expect me to fucking write something here? Fuck you.
Cons: Seeing this movie, was a definite Con. I wouldn't even call this a child's movie, as not even the humor was funny enough for a child to get. I was in the theater and there were little girls behind me talking throughout the film -- we're talking like six. Why? Because it was so fuckin' bad, it couldn't capture the attention of a six year old.
Fucking - six. You give them a doll, and they'll play with the damn thing for a year.
The only exciting actions I saw from them was dancing in the credits. LOLOL. No. I'm serious. They were dancing.
I think I should sue Warner Brothers for fucking wasting a part of my life that could have been better spent doing something constructive. Like slicing off all of my fingers and then lighting myself on FIRE. After cauterizing my wounds with ACID and LEMON JUICE, YOU FUCKING BASTARDS! GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK!
... ahem. Where were we?
Rating: 0.5 / 10 -- because I laughed, honestly, when the Ranger headbutt the bitch in the forehead with the brim of his hat. Sorry. I just spoiled the 0.5 of the movie. Don't bother seeing it now.
Rewatch Value: I have a better idea. Go masturbate with a Chain Saw.
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