Romance Sideplots

They're everywhere, most prominently in movies and books. You have your hero who must take down a drug lord, kill the evil wizard, slay the mighty dragon, save the world... and have sex.

Yes, you read that right. He or she must, by any means necessary, get laid. Someone of the hero's opposite gender must wander in, eyelashes fluttering or abs flexing, and automatically spark the lust of our doomed hero. Never mind if it has nothing to do with the plot. Never mind if it derails it. Never mind if it is useless, stupid, contrived, or just plain disgusting.

Now don't misunderstand. I loved The Time Traveler's Wife. I loved PS., I Love You. I loved every sweet moment of every romance story. No, I'm talking about movies like The Sorcerer's Apprentice, The Oxford Murders, even that damn movie Piranha. These movies don't need, benefit from, and are entirely ruined by their romance subplots.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice: the hero is a young college guy who is chosen by fate, destiny, and the gods, along with Nicolas Cage's stern voice, to save the world. The hero dons the cape and... tries to get laid. Who cares about the world? He wants to put it all on hold so he can bang a girl older than he is and take her on dates and put her and everyone else in danger so he can get rid of some serious blue balls. Nice.

Piranha: admit it, the movie was cheesy and you liked it. The hero finds himself surrounded by hungry, hungry man-eating piranhas! He with his girlfriend in a boat underwater and time is running out! Surely he will waste no time in getting THE HELL OUT OF THERE. Right after giving her a romantic kiss, because everyone knows he's got all the time in the world as long as it contributes to a romance subplot.

The Oxford Murders: this one really got to me. Right off the bat the hero meets a girl, and right off the bat someone dies. Now there's murders going off left and right and the hero must solve the mystery. Of course, there's time for solving serial killer puzzles and a time for sex. So we're treated to a lovely shot of a girl wearing nothing but an apron, her fat ass in full glory for everyone to see, and then proceeds to have sex while dropping spaghetti over him.

First of all I hate spaghetti. My mom would cook it all the time and I can't stand the smell. I almost threw up with this disgusting scene. And let me tell you what she contributed to the plot; nothing. Seriously. She was there and then was gone. What was her purpose? Just a romance subplot.

Why do we have these things? To show how compassionate and human our hero is? Why? Show it in other ways. Give him a buddy. Match him or her up with a family member, a brother, a woman he's not immediately infatuated with. Show it in actions, not a lot of useless cuddling and sweet nothings murmured as you're getting devoured by zombies. Is it to add suspense? Bullshit. Unless it's a romance movie, you've got suspense in Godzilla or a runaway train or countless other sources, and the romance is just a distraction. An unwanted distraction.

Now with almost every movie and almost every book, there's got to be some kind of romance subplot. Get rid of them. Stop it. If it needs sex, make the first scene have the hero and his or her special friend boning, and then let me enjoy the rest of the damn movie.